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A Little (Okay, a LOT of) Humor

So, I *was* searching the web for a fun little cartoon of someone banging their head against the wall to represent today's most prevalent emotion.  I didn't manage to find one, however, I did find some pretty funny stuff that totally made me laugh.  That's a good thing right now.  Any time I can escape the feeling of being trapped in a box with a ticking bomb while doing parlor tricks, it's a bonus.  So, in an attempt to spread the joy, share the wealth, etc... ad nauseum et ad infinitum, here's a nice lengthy excerpt of said findings :D  Enjoy.

Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning submission to its yearly neologism contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.  The winners are:

1.  Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.

2.  Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5.  Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.

6.  Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.

7.  Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

8.  Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavored mouthwash.

9.  Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

10.  Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receiding hairline.

11. Testicle (n.), a humourous question on an exam.

12.  Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13.  Pokemon (n.), a Rastafarian proctologist.

14.  Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversations with Yiddishisms.

The Washington Post's Style Invitational also asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.  Here are this year's winners:

Bozone (n.):  The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating.  The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

*Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

*Giraffiti (n.): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

*Sarchasm (n.): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

*Inoculatte (v.): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

*Hipatitis (n.): Terminal coolness.

*Osteopornosis (n.): A Degenerate disease. (this one got extra credit.)

*Karmageddon (n.): It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

*Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

*Glibido (v.): All talk and no action.

*Dopeler effect (n.): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

*Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

*Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

Ponderings...

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a

whole box to start a campfire?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll

squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he doesn't like it, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window.

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

MAKE IT YOURSELF

God is sitting in Heaven when a scientist says to Him, "God, we
don't need you anymore. Science has finally figured out a way to
create life out of nothing - in other words, we can now do what you
did in the beginning."

"Oh, is that so? Tell me." replies God.
"Well," says the scientist, "we can take plain dirt and
form it into the likeness of you, and breathe life into it,
thus creating man."
"Well, that's very interesting .... show Me, " says God.
So the scientist bends down to the earth and starts to mold

the soil into the shape of a man.
"No, no, no ..." interrupts God, "Make your own dirt..."


Just When You Think...

...that horoscopes and astrology, etc... are all complete bunk, you happen to check your horoscope for the day and then spend several minutes getting your jaw back up off the desk.  LOL.  In order to more adequately explain, allow me to backtrack to 7am today.  I hop, with some amount of liveliness, out of bed to start my day.  I make my bed, put on my work-out clothes, grab my iPod and a bottle of water and actually leave my condo!  Yes, I decided that all of those monthly condo fees should be put to better use than just helping to pay for the little stands of doggie clean-up bags posted around the complex.  Our clubhouse has a fitness center, and I decided to use it.  Although I've been exercising pretty much every day for about 3 years, now, I realized, upon completeion of this morning's workout, that I haven't actually really had a *good* workout session since I sold my bowflex before I moved.  Yikes!  I'm going to feel all my bravado in the morning, if not sooner.  But, it was great.  Starts my entire day off on a better foot to feel that burn in my arms and legs that comes from actually doing some resistance training along with my cardio (and not just pushups and stuff like I usually try and get away with... lol).  But enough of that.  The funny part was when I, for completely unrelated reasons, happened to click "horoscope" on my AOL welcome screen this morning to assuage some curiousity.  Here's what it said:

"Sometimes it's difficult to get into the groove as you change your daily habits and rituals, especially those relating to your personal health and exercise. But now your mind has been pushed back into a corner and it needs to take action. Sweeping changes are too radical; just make small adjustments with a great deal of consciousness and intent. If you do, you can become a healthier and happier person."

LOL... that was TOO funny!  I tell 'ya, like I said earlier... I tend to think that all that astrology stuff is just bunk, but sometimes I wonder.  ;)


Descent into Geekdom

Okay, so today I reveal just a glimpse of what a geek I can be sometimes.  Exhibit A (although I don't actually have a photo and trust me, that's a GOOD thing... lol!) Me, on the treadmill this morning.  I'm hooked into my iPod, walking fast and furious at full incline while paging through my new August edition of Creating Keepsakes.  Suddenly, out of the blue (or not so blue since I was looking at a scrapbooking magazine when it hit.  Does that make it baby blue?) I'm struck with an idea for a layout I was working on last night that I walked away from due to total lack of creativity.  Dilemma.  Should I continue to walk and risk foregoing the creative surge that had just hit? or should I give up the burning of some calories that I desperately wanted to get rid of?  Ding ding ding!  You know you're a total geek when you scrapbook while on the treadmill.  You heard it here, folks.  While one should never run with scissors, walking, while definitely challenging, is certainly acceptable (although not suggested for scissor amateurs, persons under the age of 17, or anyone incapable of walking and chewing gum at the same time).  And what do you know? I think I burned MORE calories this way!  The balance and concentration it takes to cut out, mount and then re-cut matted and decorative stars while walking uphill on a treadmill definitely intensifies the workout.  Note to self.  Next time I need to do extended amounts of cutting, get out my tennis shoes.

And now, exhibit B.  This time I reveal my inherent geekiness through my sense of humor.  Another girl I work with sent me this yesterday.  We're in marketing and frequently work with IT people to develop the platforms for our little marketing schemes.  Needless to say, they have this printed and posted over in their aisle.  This, is truth in marketing.  LOL.  Enjoy!

Iswing


California Report

Back from another adventure.  The jet-lag has now fully kicked in.  I had such a terrible time getting up this morning (and it doesn't help that my bed is very soft and comfy... lol).  Anyway, just got back on Sunday night from California - family reunion in Monterey and then a few days in San Francisco.  It was awesome!  Such beautiful scenery, and I love spending time with my family, they rock. 

AnP7030081yway,  here are a few pictures and a quick run-down of my week.  To the left, me with my adorable little nephew in the dining room at Asilomar.  This was our first day.P7030064

This is one view of the Asilomar State Beach across the street from where we were staying.  Just beautiful!  I went out every morning around 6am for a little exercise and fresh air... it wasP7030157 great. 

We had a lot of fun little family activities every day.  This is me and my 2nd cousin, Ava, having a little race during grandma's birthday party.  Ava is a total cherub.

P7040205Here's our group photo... there were several people that were at the reunion who were missing from the picture, and I think there were about 15 or so who didn't make it to the reunion, but still, a pretty good group!  I have about 23 first cousins + spouses, and going on 20 second cousins... 10 aunts and uncles (who were all there), my grandma and my family of course!  We have a great time when we get together.  Love it!

P7040218After pictures we had the family olympics.  No 50-yard dash for us, however.  We only participate in hard-nosed, serious athletic events.  We broke into teams based on which aquatic animal was on the hat you chose.  I was an orca and I got to go with the predators... lol.  Sharks and turtles.  Apparently turtles are predators.  The other team was the prey - lots of guppies.  My mom always finds the funniest things to bring to reunion - these hats (as modeled by my cousin Austin) were totally cool (but they left a little dent on your forehead.  The price you pay to be a guppy, I guess).  Our games included a volleyball match, and then a penny drop contest (you walk with a penny between your knees and then have to drop it in a cup), a bubble blowing contest (with bubble gum), a blind-folded cotton ball contest where you had to carry a cotton ball in a spoon, while blind-folded, negotiate an obstacle course and dump the cotton ball into a cup while being guided by a teammate in a chair with the cup.  Did that make sense?  Anyway, it was funny.  Especially when Alex started moving the chairs while people were walking.  The best was the balloon popping contest.  You ran to a chair, blew up a balloon, and then sat on it to pop it.  The funny part was that you never knew what kind of balloon you were going to get and watching some of the smaller cousins bouncing as they tried to pop the balloons.  Anyway, it was a trip.P7040319

After olympics and lunch, we went across the street to the beach.  We were really lucky and had pretty great weather - July is one of the coldest months of the year in Monterey, and last time we were there, it was so cold we couldn't stand to sit on the beach even wrapped in blankets!  This time was great... we flew kites, buried children in the sand, took naps (okay, that was just me), just hung out...  Here's my cousin Sam with one of our kites.

After the beach, a few of us went over to the P7040365Monarch Butterfly Reserve.  The monarchs migrate to this area every year and apparently it's pretty amazing. We missed the migration, but we went anyway hoping to catch a few strays.  Let me just come out and say it.  The reserve, sans butterflies, is ugly.  Really.  There was a deer family there, though, and we found one butterfly.  Nicole says there were two, but I only saw one.  Exhibit A, to the left.  It wasn't even a monarch!  This is a painted lady.  Sigh.  But I saw a butterfly at the butterfly reserve, and that's all that matters!

P7040390 That evening, we had our traditional White Elephant Gift Exchange.  Our family isn't typically that mean with gifts.  I mean, I decided to leave the pair of rubber gloves I was going to give at home and go with something useful.  I ended up walking away with a Play-Dough bucket that came with 6 jars of Play-Dough, cookie cutters and tools and everything.  Serious fun ahead, people.  I think the highlight of the night was the lingerie nightlight that Aunt Pam picked that Tiffany contributed to the gift pile.  It wasn't that she picked it, although that was amusing, it was when her husband, Uncle Merrill, came over and STOLE it from her on his turn!  Loud laughter and much joking ensued.  Pam later said that she thought he was just being nice, giving her another chance to pick, but it turned out that he took it from her because he thought it was cool!  My family is funny.

P7050415 After the gift exchange, Kris and I got in the car with her boys and some of the other kids and drove up the coast towards Monterey - it's a few miles.  We found a good spot on the side of the road and then sat down to watch.  I went down to keep an eye on the kids who had gone to the base of the cliffs to watch by the water.  Aside from the smell, it was gorgeous.  You could really see the reflection of the fireworks on the water and it was incredibly peaceful to just sit there in those surroundings and watch.  Of course, from looking at this photo (I call it, fireworks à la Monet) you can't tell if we're watching fireworks or an arial attack on the city.  Either way, a giant fireball is a giant fireball, right? 

July 5th... After breakfast P7050492I went with my Aunt and Uncle to take pictures on the 17-Mile Drive.  I've taken the drive before, but it's just so stunning that I had to go again.  My favorite part is all of the seals on one of the beaches as you go by... so adorable!  Some of them were playing in the water as we were watching.  I think my other favorite part of the drive is the Lone Cypress.  Part of me wonders, as I take 25 pictures of it, what's so special about a tree?  I guess it's just that it's iconic.  And beautiful.  Very beautiful.  It's been there for over 200 P7050510_1years!

Let's see... after lunch we went into Monterey to go to the aquarium and get some ice cream at Ghiradelli's.  Mmm... Ice cream.  And cookies - they have wicked good chocolate chip cookies.  I digress.  Aquarium.  Although I still think I like Baltimore better, they do have a very cool aquarium in Monterey.  The kelp forest is really cool, and I love their jelly fish exhibits.  P7050535 P7050558

And now, for the ice cream.  It's not on the menu, but you can get a sundae with a cookie at the bottom.  Mmmm... I P7050613couldn't eat the whole thing - it's huge!

Okay, on to SP7060011_1an Francisco... after camp on Thursday, we drove back up to SF to stay for a few days.  Mom got us a great deal at the Argonaut right on Fisherman's Wharf.  It was a very nice hotel, we loved it!  Nicole and I had a room that we shared - the rooms were awesome.  Brick walls, wood beams, cool decor.  Very nice.  We had chowder in bread bowls for dinner that night.  Love the sourdough!  Friday, the cable car stop was right next door to the hotel (between us and the Ghiradelli factory, conveniently enough... lol). So we all went out and got on the cable car and rode to China Town.  We began shopping immediately.  It was so cool - so much to see and look at, so many good deals.  I spent way too much money, and my condo is now more like, Chinese Costa Rican tourist.  LOL.  I got a fabulous brown silk robe that I adore and lots of trinkets... silk placemats with fancy chopsticks, rice bowls, paper lanterns... lots of fun stuff.  We had Chinese for lunch at a little restaurant there, very good chow mein. P7070043_2 More shopping and siteseeing.  I loved the little old men that lined the streets playing traditional music on their little instruments.  Ducks in the windows, dried fish on carts in the streets... the apothecaries are the most interesting to me, though.  There was one off of the main strip where they had piles of herbs and roots on the counter that were being mixed and pounded into different mixtures for customers.  Very fascinating.  Mom and Dad got tired and left and Nicole and I kept shopping for quite a while and then ran down to the pier to pick up our Alcatraz tickets - we did the evening tour... last of the night.  I've been there once before, when I was about 5, I think.  I had vague memories.  The tour iP7070099tself has changed a lot, I guess, and I found it fascinating and disturbing all at once.   I don't know if this picture is even visible... this is me in a jail cell.  The creepiest part was when you walked into the solitary confinement cells.  I didn't close my eyes or even go all the way in, but you can just feel the evil in the air, even after all these years.  Totally creeped me out.  I listened to a lecture on escapes from Alcatraz with Ranger Dan, and then we got on the ferry back to the city.

Saturday, shopping on the wharf!  I love Pier 39... so much fun stuff.  Fresh fruit stands, Dept. 56 (one of my favorite stores for adding to my eclectic ornament collection.  I have a very odd Christmas tree).  So many fun places to wander, I just love it.  After the Pier, we went back to Fisherman's Wharf for late lunch / dinner at Boudin's - a huge sourdough place.  So delicious. 

Anyway, that's my California travel log!  I took almost 800 pictures on this trip, and I posted about 250 or so here.

TTFN!