So, I *was* searching the web for a fun little cartoon of someone banging their head against the wall to represent today's most prevalent emotion. I didn't manage to find one, however, I did find some pretty funny stuff that totally made me laugh. That's a good thing right now. Any time I can escape the feeling of being trapped in a box with a ticking bomb while doing parlor tricks, it's a bonus. So, in an attempt to spread the joy, share the wealth, etc... ad nauseum et ad infinitum, here's a nice lengthy excerpt of said findings :D Enjoy.
Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning submission to its yearly neologism contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words. The winners are:
1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.
6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.
7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receiding hairline.
11. Testicle (n.), a humourous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon (n.), a Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversations with Yiddishisms.
The Washington Post's Style Invitational also asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are this year's winners:
Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
*Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
*Giraffiti (n.): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
*Sarchasm (n.): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
*Inoculatte (v.): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
*Hipatitis (n.): Terminal coolness.
*Osteopornosis (n.): A Degenerate disease. (this one got extra credit.)
*Karmageddon (n.): It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
*Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
*Glibido (v.): All talk and no action.
*Dopeler effect (n.): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
*Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
*Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a
whole box to start a campfire?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll
squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he doesn't like it, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window.
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
MAKE IT YOURSELF
God is sitting in Heaven when a scientist says to Him, "God, we
don't need you anymore. Science has finally figured out a way to
create life out of nothing - in other words, we can now do what you
did in the beginning."
"Oh, is that so? Tell me." replies God.
"Well," says the scientist, "we can take plain dirt and
form it into the likeness of you, and breathe life into it,
thus creating man."
"Well, that's very interesting .... show Me, " says God.
So the scientist bends down to the earth and starts to mold
the soil into the shape of a man.
"No, no, no ..." interrupts God, "Make your own dirt..."